Memo to Mitt: Go Right!

The following is a leaked briefing note to Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney ahead of Monday night’s foreign policy debate:

Governor Romney, this is a tight contest and Monday’s debate could be the make-or-break moment. Some say you have the disadvantage in foreign policy issues, but I say the opposite could be true. The other guy has all that baggage, after all, and you have no foreign policy decisions to answer for. Keep that in mind, buddy!

In a nutshell, here’s the strategy I propose: Go right and “out-Republican” Obama. I know it’s confusing, what with all the times you’ve had to go right then left then right then left, but bear with me here.

Truth is, most voters don’t care much about other countries. What those Americans care about is that America be seen as strong, the undisputed CHAMPEEN OF THE WORLD! (Sorry, got carried away for a second.)

So, what you’ve got to do is signal to those voters that President Romney will project that strong image for America. In fact, say “strong” lots when you talk about America and American foreign policy. Say “America” a lot too, of course. “We must send a strong message to (ENEMY or RIVAL) that America won’t put up with (WHATEVER).” “My administration will be strong on fighting terrorism, to safeguard the freedoms of Americans in a strong America.” Et cetera. Think “strong” and you can’t go wrong.

Don’t think it will be easy to out-Republican Obama. In a lot of ways, he’s been a very good Republican president. In some ways, more Republican than our man George W. Bush (who tells me he appreciates your phone calls, by the way, even if they were to tell him to stay out of sight). He has sent out a huge number of drone strikes, in more countries than our man George ever did, and they are even doing “double taps” to kill people who go in to help the wounded. Plus, he has a freakin’ kill list! If he weren’t a Dim, Republicans would admit that they love what he’s done.

You’ve got to turn that around on him, and you can do that by one-upping him on those “strong” things. Drone strikes? You’ll do more! With double taps, of course! Kill list? Yes sir, you’ll keep one, and you’ll make it longer.

Whenever he even hints at carrying a big stick, you must declare that you’ll carry an even bigger one. (In fact, maybe the campaign should look into getting you a big 2-by-4 as a prop for your first post-debate campaign event.)

Bob and Karen will deliver a sheet of “Super Strong America Under Romney” talking points to you by noon. You know Bob, he’s the one with the gay haircut. Karen is the first woman in the yellow binder.

One more suggestion, Mitt: I know this goes against your faith’s position on caffeinated beverages, but maybe have a can of Red Bull before the debate. Couldn’t hurt.

Go, Team Romney!

Frank