Insects in a Jar

FearThe air was fresh with the smell of grass and flowers and sunlight. Although I had started out with high hopes and my fishing rod, it was such a beautiful day that I really didn’t care if I got a single nibble. Walking along the dirt pathway, I could hear the gentle rustling of the leaves in the trees and the water slowly moving down the rocks that formed a gentle water fall. I paused for a moment just to take in the beauty of it all. This was just one of those days that everything seemed perfect, the moment was to be savored.

Reaching my fishing spot that I had scoped out earlier, I made sure my lure was attached securely and cast to the other side of the creek. Alright! A cast right where I wanted it! Just as I started to….

Complete darkness! Sudden panic as complete waves of uncontrollable trembling overtake my body. No control! Cannot get control! Why is my body shaking and convulsing? Why can’t I focus on where I am? Where the fuck AM I?? I feel something against the sides of my head that seems cool to the touch but I still cannot focus my eyes. I seem to be in a room but…. gotta pull it together. I… suddenly my body is arching up from where I was laying. Only my shoulder and feet are supporting my full weight. Like every muscle in my body fired at once. A total body clinching clampdown. What little vision I had turns to complete darkness. I am lost….

“This is going to be a blast!” Marie screamed. Slowly the roller coaster inched it’s way towards the top. 30 stories high! In spite of my reservations and general cowardliness towards rides of any sort, especially ones that had loops, I was determined not to let Marie see anything but my best. So if that meant braving a roller coaster.. or some other challenge… I was gonna beat it. It had taken me months to work up the nerve to ask her out. She was special alright. Maybe even that special one that could last a lifetime. We had reached to top and the coaster was slowly beginning it’s descent. Jesus H Christ! Look at this descent…. Damn, it feels like we are free fall. Is the coaster still on the tracks..? Marie raises her hands in the air and screams out as she is laughing. I close my eyes….

The needle pokes into my skin, slowly violating my body, my space, and my blood! The room pulsates with orange and violet colors. Dripping to the floor like water. Throbbing colors that form sounds. I try to reason with what I see but it seems like eternity since reason was possible. Must think! But my thoughts crystallize into small creatures that run off the table and out the room. I try to get up but my body is completely paralyzed from the neck down. I am nothing but a vessel of uncontrolled insanity. Like a leaf floating in turbulent rapids, my only choice is to be subjected.  I try to scream, over and over again… but my mouth cannot move. A scream from the within, only to be heard by myself. I’m an insect in a jar. Forever screaming silence.

“But I can’t do it.. I keep on poking myself with the needle.” I had been trying to string popcorn on a string for about 30 minutes now. My older sister had a popcorn string about 6 feet long. Mine was about a foot. “Well, if you stopped eating the popcorn.. you might make progress” My Sister laughed. “Look, it’s starting to snow outside! We’re gonna have a white Christmas!” We both ran to the window and stared at the snow. The Christmas lights reflected off the window and seemed to give the snow a strange color focus.  “Let’s put the popcorn strings on the tree!” She said while she started at the top of the tree. I wasn’t paying any attention because I had picked up my one present that I knew was going to be….

The voice repeated the same line over and over again. The same thing… 24 hours a day… forever. Or was it forever? How long had I been here? And just who am I? I don’t even remember who I am or even ANYTHING.  A blank slate of nothing. Erased. My only reality was my shaking foot that I couldn’t stop. And the same line… over and over again. Where did that voice come from? Why? Can I remember how to walk? Even if my legs worked..? Or my body? Over and over again.. that voice.. that damn voice. Why can’t I die? Or maybe I’m already dead? Yes, that’s it. I’m dead and this is hell. A forever pit of anguish and fear…

The air was fresh with the smell of grass and flowers and sunlight. Although I had started out with high hopes and my fishing rod, it was such a beautiful day that I really didn’t care if I got a single nibble. Walking along the dirt pathway, I could hear the gentle rustling of the leaves in the trees and the water slowly moving down the rocks that formed a gentle water fall. I paused for a moment just to take in the beauty of it all. This was just one of those days that everything seemed perfect, the moment was to be savored…

Abandoned Mind

ewen_cameron_evil_look

Psychic driving was a psychiatric procedure in which patients were subjected to a continuously repeated audio message on a looped tape to alter their behaviour. In psychic driving, patients were often exposed to hundreds of thousands of repetitions of a single statement over the course of their treatment. They were also concurrently administered muscular paralytic drugs such as curare to subdue them for the purposes of exposure to the looped message(s). The procedure was pioneered by Dr. D. Ewen Cameron, President of the American Psychiatric Association and the World Psychiatric Association.  The psychic driving procedure was a chronological precursor to Cameron’s depatterning, the latter involving massive doses of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) several times per day over a period of several months combined with similarly large doses of psychedelic drugs (such as LSD) over that same period. The intent was to break down the subject’s personality — theoretically psychic driving could then be used with some efficacy in establishing a new personality. Incidentally, after all these treatments and Cameron moved on to other patients, the depatterned patients were usually taken to some random place and dropped off in the street without the slightest knowledge of their past or understanding their present.

 

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5 Comments

  1. Stimpson says:

    Dr. Cameron left so many victims, many of them patients at an “institute” in Montreal. You might recall that Naomi Klein has a chapter on his work in The Shock Doctrine, because Friedmanites applied an analogous approach to countries’ economies.

    Good story, Krell.

  2. 1st – Dood, I love the anime by the log in…. wow.
    and then
    I studied psychic driving in parapsychology… but I don’t think any resource in 79-82 was as open and valuable as the resources on it now are.

    The mind… and I define mind as something a wholesome bit more than the vehicle of gray matter confined to a physical body….is a miracle. My experience is a connection to much more than what is sensually processed. Imagination can overcome as well as be ‘driven’. And honestly, that’s what I ‘download’ from the story. Great time with it…thx David.

  3. Naive me thought I was reading fiction: that this could well be a literal description of the reality of the effects of ECT is terrifying. How many people endured this? Was there any effect on DNA?

    Terrifying, but necessary, read. It’s the stigmatization of mental illness that caused these scenarios: I’m wondering what current-day psychiatry uses. Is it analogous to ECT (which is still being used)?

  4. Krell says:

    First, let me say that I started thinking about this will watching a program called “DollHouse” on TV. It has taken the subject of psychic programming to the next level for fiction. But from that show and my knowledge of MKULTRA, I started to wonder just what those people must have gone through. Procedures straight from the Mengele playbook. To be subject to shock therapy multiple times daily at voltages way beyond normal procedue for months, given massive doses of LSD for months, induced into coma from insulin, over and over again. Then subjected to audio loops while made completely immobile by curare, day after day, month after month. You know, there are things much worse than death. Much worse. But you don’t expect it from the person you went to for help and medicine.

  5. osori says:

    thank you Krell – and this line grabbed me and won’t let go “my thoughts crystallize into small creatures that run off the table and out the room”. great image.

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